She’s an unrelenting force in for body-positivity in the realms of social media, and she used her Twitter account recently to start a conversation about ‘dating while plus-sized’. She sent out a request to men and women, soliciting an answer these questions, ‘1 What’s the hardest thing you’ve faced while dating as a fat? She followed up with her own initial thoughts on ‘fat romance’ and her personal experiences. Fat romance has little space in popular culture beyond being a punchline. The idea of being a fat person who is happily dating in public creates really strong feelings in people. There were building works and I stepped on a loose floorboard and the guy goes ‘fucking hell Steph, I didn’t know you were that fat’ and started laughing. I was mortified.
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Dating as a fat woman allowed me to confront my insecurities and realize I can be wanted fully and proudly. Damn what society says.
Many of us know, online dating can be a brutal place, from ghosting to breadcrumbing, there is a term for every brutal dating action. But whilst ignoring someone online is one thing, calling them “fatty” and saying you hope they meet a wife beater all because they aren’t interested in you, is a whole different kettle of fish. That is exactly what happened to Jess Smith, 26, since re-joining dating apps Plenty of Fish and Tinder.
Jess, a debt collector from Leeds, initially met her boyfriend online last year, but once it ended after ten months, she decided to give it another go, after it helped her to find love the first time around. But instead of love, Jess has only found hate and sexually explicit messages from abusive lotharios on the apps, with hundreds of vile matches sending her abuse and requesting nudes, despite her profile requesting ‘a gentleman’.
One user said: “If you’re serious about finding someone get your arse down the gym and stop using filters. Despite the constant battering, frequently on the receiving end of fat-shaming comments, Jess is pretty positive and handles it well. In one exchange, she claims she rebuffed a Tinder match when he asked for nude pictures of her and he responded by calling her a ‘one [out of 10] on a good day’.
Another exchange started off with Jess being called gorgeous, but when she failed to reply, he soon turned bitter, saying: “You are very ignorant I’m glad you didn’t reply hope you find a nice wife beater”. She added: “I think [when you call them out] it hits home that they’re actually talking to a real person that has just gone on a dating site to try and find somebody. I think it hits home then.
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The title made me think I was getting some steamy makeout show. But as I began to read the tweets and show description, my pervy excitement quickly morphed into anger. I, like many others on the internet, immediately felt disgusted. What the hell is a mixed-weight relationship? The term itself is highly problematic. It suggests that all romantic partners are the same weight with identical body types, which is obviously absurd. Why do we feel the need to specifically highlight a show about fat bodies and thin bodies?
Are we as entertained by tall people dating short people? Or brunette people dating blond people? So why are we endlessly obsessed with the dynamic of fat women actually being loved? I was particularly horrified by portions of the trailer featuring the characters Joy and Chris.
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Tonight, I was meant to go on a first date with a man who I met online. My new plan is hardly exciting, let alone romantic. So why do I feel so content? But it feels like allies and people of similar shapes are few and far between in fashion, the industry in which I work. Those hourglass figures remain unachievable for many women. We all have our insecurities, and dating puts us up for judgement, which is particularly scary in swipe culture. Even if by some miracle a man finds me attractive, I worry he will be questioned by his friends as to why — Does he feel like he has to settle?
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The dating app made it clear they have a zero-tolerance policy for this kind of nonsense. If you’re familiar with the dating app options that are available right now, you’ve likely heard about Bumble , which differentiates itself from the rest by requiring women to make the first move once two people have been matched.
Thank you for saving us from all the creeps who are in it for the wrong reasons, Bumble.
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Online dating as a bigger woman can be brutal. I’ve been called a “fatty” or “fat bitch” by men on Tinder, or told that men would only have sex with me as a favor, because men could never be attracted to someone my size. I’m not insecure about my appearance, but when I first got into online dating, I found myself obsessing over my weight in an entirely different way. I worried my pictures made me look thinner than I actually am, and men would call me out for “lying” about my size. On sites like OkCupid, where you have to fill out a series of questions relating to sex, dating, and personality, I’d preemptively check how a guy answered questions like “would you date someone who is overweight?
I eventually got over this, and I realized I’d created problems for myself that didn’t need to exist.
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Feedees often feel a great website of agency in their decisions to gain weight. Fatness is an obvious feederism within our culture; actively deciding to gain weight, is, therefore, the ultimate act of agency and transgression. It’s hard to sit back and try to analyze a fetish when it’s not personal to you. Sex is inherently weird. People want a pof of things erotic, like peeing in gag bound therapy’ mouths and wearing facebook costumes, so really how far fetched is a food fetish, after all?
Maybe it’s psychological, or maybe it’s just a preference.
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I grew up thin, thinking I was a giant, which was very different from what I read and heard about actually being obese. Growing up athletic and lanky and muscular blinded me completely to what being fat meant. The best thing about the stores I shopped at for plus-size clothing was that they celebrated life. Although, they generally only made big clothes. I felt bad for skinny, lanky me who went to 5. This store was designed to humiliate me.